Thursday, May 19, 2005

Undercover Angel

I have always liked that title "Undercover Angel". As a teen growing up, I liked the song and I used it as my CB handle. Believe it or not, my parents let me talk to whomever I wanted to. Back in those days it didn't seem to matter who I talked to...and I talked to whoever would talk. I guess it was to get me outa their hair. And of course, it worked. I liked being called angel. And lots of people would talk to me about their problems. I would listen, and yes, I cared. I remember one guy in particular who had cancer and was dying. I would chat with him time and time again. I was worried about this guy. He was older than me, but not by too much. I would spend countless hours listening to him reach out to someone for that last word. I felt like he was reaching out to express his fear of dying. And he probably was. He didn't want to die. He wanted life. I don't even know if he was saved or not. He didn't share that part with me. And just because I spent all that time being his friend, I didn't want that credit. I don't like to take credit for things. I don't like being the one who stands out above the rest. I love to serve God and serve for him...not for me. I want so much to help with so many things, but I don't think I am worthy. I don't think I would be chosen...and if I was, what if I made a mistake or messed up. That is one reason I did not sing in the choir. I did sing one time, and I was forever in fear that I would screw up, sing off key and someone would notice. I was scared, so I gave it up. I was faithful to come to practice in the beginning, but I quit for fear. So, I try to give, or give of myself...but I am still afraid that I will mess up. I sometimes give without anyone knowing because I don't want to "ring my bell". I don't want someone to think..."oh she is just doing that to be noticed". I don't need that or want that. So, I just give anonymously because it is the only wayI can do it. So for the title...Undercover Angel....I want to remain an undercover angel!


Corry said...

Karen, I hope you don't mind me commenting, but I really see so many similarities between us and I would like to share my experiences with you, in the hope it might be of help.

Fear has ruled practically my entire life. Fear of appearances, of what others might think, of making mistakes, of drawing attention, of being hurt and so much more (you prolly can fill in yourself). And just like you, I ran "from" that fear. By that I mean, I would not do or say things out of fear. So I would give into it and therefor ensure that what I was afraid of would come true. Not only that, but I missed out on so many good things and happiness as well. As my husband says: FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real! Nothing is like it seems:-)
He wrote an article about it. If you like, read it, it may help you to understand more about it. It's the same things he told me and it helped me tremendously. Sure, fear still roares it's ugly head, but I try to run "to" it now, instead of "from" it. Not always succesfully, but I am well on my way.

I also learned that it is good to make mistakes. How can I overcome something that I never learned to do? Only by making mistakes and learning from it.
In the beginning I saw that as a bad experience, for it felt awful. However, not all that feels bad is bad. And when I started to draw on what I had learned from my mistakes, it was encouraging and I (since recently, for I am a slow learner) began to be thankful for making mistakes and therefor having the opportunity to learn.
Try not to be afraid to make mistakes. It is not important what other people think, what is important is what God thinks of you:-)

God's Grace.

tomorrows up to me said...

Add me to the similarity list! Fear ruled my life for sooo long! I decided fear was Satans way of getting between me and what God wanted me to do.(and it worked extremely well!). I decided to overcome fear, all I needed was faith. Faith that God would be there if I did great, and faith that God would pick me up if I failed. I would ask myself, whats the worst thing that could happen? Usually it was a little humiliation or embarrassment on my part. And usually those things are forgotten as soon as someone else does something and the focus shifts. Yes, I still battle fear occassionally, but I'm winning more and more!